Nov 132012
 

Hard Aground, Again: The Incomplete Idiot’s Guide to Doing Stupid Stuff With Boats (Main/UK), by Eddie Jones, is free in the Kindle store, courtesy of Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas.

Book Description
This book carries a 100% GUARANTEED RETURN POLICY. What I mean is, I GUARANTEE if you RETURN this book, we will revise our customer service POLICY. Speaking of our customer service policy, if you are not completely satisfied with this book for any reason, you can mail a picture of you NOT READING this book — plus a copy of your receipt and maybe a handwritten note explaining why you think this is the worst boating book ever — to Slip None, Whittaker Creek, Oriental, North Carolina. There is no one at that address, but sometimes it helps to vent.

Speaking of venting…if you own a boat, you know what I’m talking about. If you DO NOT own a boat, what are you waiting for, a sign? Okay, here’s one sign: Salt water covers over 71% of the earth’s surface. That means if you had a boat, you could be, at this very minute, wet.

You might also be broke, permanently deformed from living in spaces the size of a Tupperware bread box, have a dent in your skull from banging your forehead into the companionway hatch, and exude from your body such an aromatic stench that even mosquitoes vector away when you walk down the dock.

You may also be divorced.

Enough about you. Let’s talk about this book you are going to return. Here are a few topics we’ll cover.

Table of Contents

PART I – Anchors Away
Think Globally, Sail Locally
A Stern Response
The Haves and the Half-Knots
Gaining a Cents of Worth
Eternal Shoalmates
(Sand)Bar Hopping
Anchors Away

PART II – Signal Flags
Hand-Held Navigational Aids
I Don’t Know, Bub, Sounds Fishy to Me
A Force to be Wreck’ned With
Oscar Mired Dinners
Signal Flags

PART III – Not a Yacht Happening
Let’s Go to 68
New Boat? I Wooden Have One
Cockpit Downsizing
Boat Borrowship
Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Muddled Masts
Naming Rights
Not a Yacht Happening

Part IV – Bringing the Bow to Port
I Got the Turkey Trots
Seeds of Greed
Santa Pause
Recovering from a Sinking Spell
Another Year Has Croaked
Bringing the Bow to Port

Part V – The Cost of Cruising
Oh Say Can You Sea
Knock on Wood
May I Mayreau?
Recharging My Batteries
Diving for Pennies
Happy Daddy’s Day
The Cost of Cruising

There, now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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